Girls Night In
by Macceh
Summary: It's midnight at 12 Grimmauld Place and it's his ice cream, but somehow in order to actually eat it Sirius is having to relate the romantic escapades of the Marauders to three witches. - On hiatus
1. Girls' Night In

This is my very first fanfic so constructive criticism is most welcome. Reviews make me happy and ideas for stories that Sirius can tell make me write faster. I apologise if updates are slow, real life is rather demanding. Finally, as you know characters and everything else belong to the amazing J.K. Rowling, I'm just playing in her world.

* * *

"What is it with men?" The pink-haired witch demanded waving her spoon around for emphasis. "Why are they so… so…?" She struggled to find the appropriate word to fully encompass the full frustration she was feeling at the moment due to members of the male gender, or rather one particular member of the male gender.

"…Blind?" Ginny Weasley suggested settling down in the seat next to Tonks, another spoon in her hand.

"…Stupid?" Hermione's contributed from the other side of Tonks, spoon already in hand.

"Both!" Tonks replied with a snort of disdain, digging into the huge tub of chocolate ice cream that sat between the three of them.

"It must be something in the Y chromosome."

"The what?" Tonks asked through a mouthful of ice cream.

Hermione paused, spoon half way to her mouth, how was she going to explain about chromosomes to two witches who probably hadn't been taught about DNA and genetics. "Well…" She began cautiously.

Tonks and Ginny were saved from Hermione attempting an explanation by the sound of creaking floorboards in the hall. The door to the hall opened and Sirius Black just stood there for a moment, taking in the sight of his cousin and two teenage girls sat, in their pyjamas, with a tub of ice cream between them. He blinked as three pairs of female eyes zeroed-in on him. "Are you eating my ice cream?" He asked cautiously. The eyes flicked to the ice cream tub and back to him, three eyebrows raised simultaneously; well he admitted it had been a bit of a stupid question really, what with the evidence right there in front of him.

He shrugged and headed towards the cutlery draw, trying to ignore the three gazes boring into his back. "Any particular reason there's a coven of witches eating my ice cream at this time of night? I mean I understand the desire for midnight snacks, but chocolate ice cream usually indicates a bigger problem than just being peckish."

"Boys," Ginny confirmed in an exasperated tone.

"Ah," Sirius nodded absently and then turned to face the three girls, spoon in hand. "This wouldn't be about my godson, a certain Marauder and the second youngest Weasley, would it?" There was a long, shocked, silence that Sirius felt rather smug about.

"How…?" Hermione tailed off. "All the other men in the house are blind!"

"Arthur Weasley isn't." Sirius pointed out, sitting down opposite them and digging his spoon into their ice cream tub. "But that comes of being a father of seven I suppose, and Kingsley's not blind but then he is an auror and not technically staying in the house." He looked thoughtful for a moment as he ate his spoonful of ice cream. "Apart from that you're probably right."

"What's your excuse then?" Ginny asked as Tonks pulled the tub away from Sirius.

Sirius grinned. "I'm Sirius Black!" He shrugged as the three pairs of eyes rolled in unison. "And there's not much to do, stuck in the house; people watching is highly entertaining, especially when the alternative is de-doxying curtains or something similar." He leaned across the table and tried to pull the ice cream tub back to the middle of the table. He yelped as three spoons hit the back of his hand; hard. The hand was hastily withdrawn and Sirius pouted.

"You know," Sirius said carefully, after a moment. "I have some pretty entertaining stories about Remus and girls," He grinned at Tonks, who was looking curious, "And James and girls as well." He added flicking a look at Ginny, "If you're interested."

The three females all gave him a suspicious look, he tried to look innocent; they just looked more suspicious. "I'm guessing you want ice cream in exchange for these stories?" Tonks said after a moment.

Sirius put on an affronted expression; none of them bought it. "What's the world come to?" He demanded dramatically. "That my own cousin is ransoming my ice cream to me, in the middle of the night, in my own house!"

None of them looked impressed by his dramatics; even the spoon waving for emphasis didn't seemed to have helped much. The three harpies exchanged long looks with each other and then seemed to reach a decision. Tonks sighed and pushed the tub back to the middle of the table. "They better be good stories!"


	2. A Blonde, A Brunette and A RedHead

I'm not really happy with this chapter but exams are coming up and I thought I should post something before I get bogged down in revision. Your opinions would be greatly appreciated, as would any suggestions/plot bunnies for Sirius' stories! Oh, and the characters still don't belong to me!

* * *

There were a few moments of ice cream eating silence and then a yelp of pain from Sirius as Tonks rapped him on the back of his hand with her spoon.

"We had a deal," Tonks reminded her cousin, "Stories for ice cream."

"I can't eat and talk at the same time." Sirius pointed out taking another large spoonful of ice cream.

"True." Ginny agreed pulling the tub back to their side of the table. "So talk and then you can eat."

Sirius pouted, then changed his mind and tried his puppy dog eyes on the three witches. Unfortunately, the trials of auror training, growing up with six brothers and five years trying to prevent his godson from getting into too much trouble had apparently made them immune to his charms. Deciding that discretion was the better part of valour Sirius mentally ran through the more embarrassing romantic entanglements that had been suffered by the Marauders during their school days. There was 'The Broom-Cupboard Incident', 'The Valentine's Catastrophe' and various episodes in 'James' epic quest to sabotage all of Lily's relationships', not forgetting 'That time Remus made a complete arse of himself with that hufflepuff girl' but as amusing as they all were, they didn't quite seem to fit the bill. He needed a story that would endear him to the three witches, that would make them laugh and that most importantly would guarantee him more ice cream.

After a moment's thought he grinned. Self deprecation was good, right? Well in that case, he had the perfect story…

* * *

"Moony! Prongs! Help!"

"No."

"Sorry, Pads… "

"Guys! You have to hide me!"

"No."

"Sorry, Padfoot!"

"Some friends you are!"

"Well, in fairness you did have it coming…"

"Moony has a point. Girls don't take very well to that sort of thing. I mean even Wormtail knows that!"

"I didn't think they'd take it quite this seriously!"

"No, Padfoot," Remus said carefully from over the top of his book. "You didn't think you'd get caught."

"And that…"

"Play with fire Pads and you're going to get burnt!"

"Says the man repeatedly on the wrong end of Lily Evans' wand!"

James Potter opened his mouth to retort when the sound of angry female voices filtered up the stairs to their dormitory. Sirius yelped and dived under Remus' bed. Remus sighed heavily, put his book to one side and peered over the end of the bed at the big black dog that was currently cowering underneath it.

"Sirius, this is ridiculous!"

The dog whined pitifully.

"You can't hide from them forever."

Padfoot put on his best puppy dog eyes.

Remus threw his arms up in frustration and collapsed back on to the bed. "Have it your way!" He grumbled, going back to his book.

James hid his grin behind a previously unopened textbook as the dormitory door slammed open to reveal three very unhappy, young, ladies.

"Where is he?" The brunette demanded.

"Under the bed." Remus replied not looking up from his book. James smothered a snort of laughter. There was a desperate whine from under the bed.

The red-head knelt down and peered under the bed. "No he isn't! There's just this dog!"

"I thought you meant the dog." Remus said still not looking up from his book. "If it's Sirius you're after, I don't know where he is."

"Are we even allowed dogs?" The blonde asked curiously.

"No idea." Remus shrugged. "It's Sirius' dog."

James looked up suddenly from the textbook he was hiding behind, a mischievous glint in his eye. "You know that dog loves being cuddled and looked after. Sirius has kind of been neglecting it lately. I'm sure he'd absolutely love it if you took care of Pads for the afternoon, maybe dressed him up in pink ribbons or such…"

The three girls exchanged a look grinned and then paused. "Surely it's a bit mean to do that to a poor helpless animal when it's Sirius we want to get back at." The brunette pointed out.

"He's not exactly helpless." Remus noted dryly as the dog growled under the bed.

"Anyway I wasn't suggesting you hurt him, just tidy him up a bit. I'm sure Sirius would appreciate having his big fierce black dog all washed and pinkified…" James explained calmly, trying not to grin.

"Pinkified?" Remus queried, reaching for the dictionary.

"Shut up Moony!" James retorted absently accioing the dictionary to himself before Remus could get his hands on it. "Besides you could always do the same to Sirius once you've practiced on the dog…"

"With friends like you who needs enemies…" The red-head muttered.

"We may be his friends but we also have a sense of fair play… and there's currently more of you than there are of us, what with Sirius not here and Peter in the library…"

"That and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Remus muttered. "A concept Sirius doesn't seem to have grasped yet."

"Well, it's a start at least." The blonde conceded as the red-head reached under the bed and with the brunette's help managed to drag the huge struggling dog out from under it.

"Thanks James!" They chorused as they woman-handled the dog out of the dormitory.

"Oh," The blonde paused at the door. "When you see Sirius tell him he's next!"

James and Remus waited until the door was firmly closed before cracking up into fits of laughter.

"That was very cruel!" Remus admonished when he'd got his breath back.

"Yeah, but he deserved it! Only Sirius could go out with three girls in one night and think he wouldn't get caught."

"For a supposed Marauder, you have a surprisingly chivalrous streak."

"Thank you, Moony!"

"You know you're going to have to watch your back, at least until he gets you for that."

"Yeah," James grinned. "Still, should be worth it!"

* * *

It was about midnight when the door slammed open and a creature of black fur and pink ribbon came flying into the dormitory. It bounded across the room and onto the sleeping form of James Potter.

James groaned and sleepily tried to push the huge form off the bed. He stopped his attempts when Padfoot growled warningly. James blinked and forced himself to wake up properly. He took in the sight of the large black dog festooned in pink ribbons and promptly burst out laughing.

"It's not funny Prongs!" Sirius snapped reverting to his human form. James burst into fresh gales of laughter that woke the other two who promptly joined in the laughter.

"What!?" Sirius demanded.

"Your… Your…" James tried to get the words out through his laughing fit; he was having a little trouble breathing. "Your hair!" He finally managed to gasp before collapsing back into laughter.

Cautiously Sirius reached a hand up to his and yelped when he felt fabric tied into his hair; the damn ribbons hadn't disappeared when he'd transformed back!

It was a long time before he could get his supposed friends to stop laughing.

Thankfully, Peter had the sense to take a photo and Remus had the sense to hide it before Sirius could get his hands on it.

* * *

There was a worryingly long pause after Sirius finished his story.

"I thought the stories were going to be about Remus." Tonks said finally.

"Or James Potter." Hermione added pedantically, reaching for another spoonful of ice cream.

"Rather than you bragging about your conquests and their consequences," Ginny clarified.

Sirius pouted.

"However," Tonks said slowly. "If you happen to have a copy of that photo lying around we might be willing to let you have some ice cream anyway." The three girls smiled innocently. Sirius glared and then stomped out of the room and up the stairs.

Ten minutes later when the three harpies were howling with laughter at that damn photo Sirius consoled his battered dignity with the fact that at least he was getting to eat some ice cream.


	3. James' Epic Quest I

(I'm sorry that it took me a while to get this chapter out, writing humour is not easy and my inspiration just died on me! Please do tell me whether you find it amusing or not, it's hard to know whether what I find amusing is actually amusing to anybody else.

This chapter was written for the Prank Fic challenge where I was given a prank for James to pull on Lily's boyfriend, exactly what that was will be revealed in the fic…

Feel free to message me any ideas you might have of pranks James could pull on Lily's boyfriends or any other romantic escapades you think Sirius should relate.)

* * *

After a little while the howling laughter subsided into chuckles and then into wide grins that reminded Sirius scarily of hyenas. At least their laughter had gone on long enough for Sirius to make a sizeable dent in the quantity of ice cream still in the tub, a fact that was soon noted by the three witches. They promptly confiscated the ice cream and expertly ignored the resultant pouting from Sirius.

There were a few moments of ice cream eating and pouting silence before Tonks half caved in to Sirius' puppy dog eyes. "Now, I want a story about Remus getting into girl trouble!" She told him firmly, waving her spoon for emphasis.

"Well, most of the time Remus was the one pulling me and James out of trouble…" Sirius said carefully, trying to cover up the fact that he couldn't remember that damn hufflepuff's name.

"We'll have one of those then!" Tonks announced cheerfully and with such a look of determination that Sirius knew he wasn't going to get away with relating something that wasn't exactly the sort of story his cousin wanted.

Sirius frowned trying to decide which would be best out of the multiple examples he had at his disposal. After a moment he gave up trying to weigh the pros and cons of each story and went with the first one that had popped into his head.

* * *

"I will have no part in this."

"But, Moony please!"

"No, it's a stupid idea and it will backfire on you and when it does I will not help you get out of trouble."

"Moony!" James exclaimed, genuinely shocked by that announcement; Moony _always_ helped get them out of trouble.

"He doesn't mean it Prongs!" Sirius reassured his friend, glaring at Remus who just rolled his eyes and went back to his book. "And it's a great idea!"

"It really isn't." Remus muttered from behind his book.

"Shut up Moony!" Sirius scolded before turning to the fourth occupant of the dormitory. "Wormtail thinks it's a good idea! Don't you?"

"Umm…" Peter looked unsure what to say, he flicked a look at Remus who just rolled his eyes and shrugged. "It's not your best idea…" He said slowly. "But… But… it's still good!" He added hurriedly at James' frown. Remus rolled his eyes again and shook his head. There was more eye-rolling from Sirius as he hustled James out of the dormitory before the indignant marauder had a chance to once again insist on the pure genius of his plan.

Remus sighed. "This is going to end badly." He muttered to Peter after the other two had left. The smaller boy nodded apprehensively then exchanged a grin with the werewolf;it might indeed end badly but knowing James and Sirius it would certainly be fun to watch!

The entire school had long ago learnt that the sight of James Potter and Sirius Black grinning from ear to ear and trying not to giggle like twelve year old schoolgirls was never a good sign. So, when the two Marauders re-entered Gryffindor common room, an hour later, with identical expressions of glee the paranoia levels of the other students present went through the roof. About half of the common room decided that the best course of action was to stay exactly where they were and not make any movement until some other poor fool set off whatever it was the Marauders had set up this time. The other half decided it would be safer to run upstairs and hide under their beds until those grins went away.

James and Sirius' expressions picked up a slightly bemused edge as half of Gryffindor fled the common room; it wasn't as though they stank of dungbombs this time… They shrugged it off and headed back up to their dormitory to inform Remus that James' magnificent and brilliant plan had been set up to perfection and that all they needed to do now was to wait for it to play itself out.

It wasn't until three days later that the plan actually reached its fruition. Three days during which the paranoia of the students reached a record high: rumour had quickly spread the fear of a Marauder prank to the rest of the school and within a day to the staff as well. James and Sirius were bemused but also much amused by the way most of the student body were acting; the way everyone, the staff included, watched the Marauders carefully and jumped whenever they made a sudden movement was more enjoyable than any prank they could have pulled with Professor McGonagall's gaze fixed on them so intently.

"POTTER!" Lily Evans' scream almost deafened the entire Entrance Hall (and most of the main hall as well) but once the shockwaves of sound had dissipated the entire school relaxed slightly: whatever it was the marauders had done had finally been set off.

James Potter looked worried. "How did she know it was me?" He whispered to his friends. Sirius shrugged, just as clueless as James. Remus rolled his eyes and muttered 'Because you're James Potter!' a sentiment that Peter agreed with but decided not to voice.

"Why Evans you're looking particularly fetching this evening!" James exclaimed as the red-head stormed towards him. She was shaking her finger at him. James gulped; that was never a good sign. "And what can I do for you, my darling, red-haired, angel?" He asked frantically, while leaning back to avoid having his eye poked out by Lily's furious finger.

"You can go boil your head in a cauldron!" She hissed menacingly. "I've had it up to here with you interfering in my life! It is not funny and it is not endearing for you to try and sabotage all my relationships!"

"But I would never…" James tried to protest with a look of contrived innocence.

"Oh yes, you bloody would! And you bloody well have! Every frigging time I get a boyfriend you do your utmost to break us up and more often than not succeed."

"Hey, it's not his fault that all your boyfriends are wusses." Sirius chipped in, an act he promptly regretted as Lily turned her finger on him.

"And you're as bad! Swanning around the school flirting with or hexing anything that moves!"

She was really getting into her stride now; few people could administer an angry rant like Lily Evans. Remus could already see his friends paling beneath her barrage and amusing though it was to watch, he thought that he better do something soon before their ears started to bleed.

"How about we take this outside?" Remus suggested nodding towards the entrance to Great Hall where curious teachers could be seen approaching them. "So you can hex these two fools without being interrupted." He added to appease Lily's murderous look.

It was a good attempt on Remus' part and if he'd been a minute or two earlier it might have worked but before he could convince a furious Lily of the necessity to vacate the castle, Professor McGonagall had reached them. Remus sighed; this was going to take some fast talking to get his friends out of trouble.

"What is going on here?" The Head of Gryffindor demanded.

Lily lowered her finger and with a last deadly glare at James' turned to answer Professor McGonagall. "Potter thought it would be clever to try and make me think my boyfriend was a Death Eater by filling his room with dark artefacts."

The scowl of McGonagall's face deepened and the Gryffindors shuffled back slightly, sensing the approaching storm.

"Why do you think it was James and Sirius?" Remus asked quickly, both to pre-empt the professor and because he was genuinely curious.

Wordlessly, Lily reached into her bag and pulled out a book entitled 'Blood Rituals and their uses within the Dark Arts'. She opened the front page and pointed to the name scrawled underneath the title; _Regulus Articulus Black._

Remus blinked, the sheer stupidity that Sirius could display at times was breathtaking, the only way it could have been worse was if it had been Sirius' name in the book… actually… "Why does that mean it was them?" Remus asked with a well practised look of polite confusion (one which was highly useful when it came to denying the Marauders' involvement in various explosions and the inexplicable change of Severus Snape's hair colour from black to neon pink). "It could just as easily be Regulus trying to frame Sirius. They're not exactly on the best of terms…" The prefect continued as James and Sirius mentally applauded his quickly thinking but criticised his understatement of the state of the Black siblings' relationship.

"Mr Lupin," Professor McGonagall began slowly. "Are you trying to tell me that Potter and Black had nothing to do with this?"

"I'm saying that we have no way of knowing whether it was James and Sirius or Regulus and that therefore they should remain innocent until proven guilty." As Lily and McGonagall's expressions took on matching glowers James and Sirius both mentally awarded their friend a 10 for remaining calm under intense pressure.

"Indeed." The Head of Gryffindor replied sharply. "Though Black and Potter can hardly be described as 'innocent' by anyone's standards." On que James and Sirius took on identical expressions of contrived innocence which only caused McGonagall's glare to deepen even more.

"But, you can't punish them without proof." Remus pointed out with almost criminal calm in the face of extreme scowling.

And apparently neither of the two women had a comeback to that, much to their annoyance. "Indeed." The Professor uttered ominously before sweeping back off into the Great Hall.

"Cheers mate!" Sirius slapped Remus on the back, once McGonagall was safely out of ear-shot, before bounding off towards food in the Great Hall.

"Yeah, thanks! I knew you'd come through for us in the end!" James added with a grin before leaving Remus in the Entrance Hall with a still glowering Lily Evans.

"Why do you lie for them?" She demanded after a moment's awkward silence.

"I didn't…"

"Don't split hairs! You bent the truth to get them out of trouble, just like you always do! Why?" Remus was surprised to note that she seemed to honestly want to know; that she couldn't understand why he was friends with two infamous pranksters.

"They're my friends."

"Really? They just use you to keep themselves out of trouble with the teachers and to help with their homework! What do they do in return?"

Remus sighed, his thoughts drifting to the upcoming full moon. He considered Lily a friend but he could never explain the truth to her; the lengths that his friends had gone through to help him. "Lily, they're really the best friends I could ever wish for and they've helped me more than you could possibly imagine."

The shake of Lily's head as she walked away told him that she didn't quite believe him, but it didn't matter; he knew and they knew that he knew and that was all that really mattered.

* * *

(I would like to apologise in advance for sporadic updates, as I've said before writing humour is not easy for me and studying physics at university doesn't exactly help my inspiration. I promise I will update when I can but if you don't want to miss the next chapter I'd suggest adding this story to your alerts.)


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